When Honesty Becomes a Liability
I keep making the same mistake, and I know better every single time.
I bond with people by opening up and sharing. It’s how I build relationships quickly and authentically. Open and honest communication is my greatest asset in connecting with others, but it’s also dangerous in the workplace, especially when office politics turn toxic.
And I keep falling for it over and over.
The pattern is always the same: I join a new team or start working closely with someone. We click. Conversations get deeper. I share my thoughts, my frustrations, my observations about how things could be better. It feels good to connect with someone who “gets it.” I think I’ve found an ally, maybe even a friend.
Then the blowback comes.
When Friends Aren’t Really Friends
The worst situations happen when office politics are toxic and people are looking for any advantage they can get. That’s when “friends” use the information you’ve shared to advance themselves. They relay your opinions to others, sometimes to leadership, sometimes to the very people you were venting about. They position themselves as the reasonable one while painting you as the problem.
Suddenly, comments you made in confidence are being discussed in meetings you’re not part of. Your honest assessment of a flawed process becomes evidence that you’re “not a team player.” Your frustration with ineffective leadership gets reframed as you being difficult or negative.
And the person you thought was your ally? They’re sitting quietly, having distanced themselves from everything they encouraged you to share.
Poor boundary-setting can hurt you professionally through missed promotions, damaged reputation, or lost opportunities. But it can also damage you emotionally. The betrayal of realizing someone you trusted was never actually on your side. The shame of knowing you gave them the ammunition they used against you. The frustration of falling into the same pattern again despite knowing better.
I know better. I really do. But I keep falling into the same trap of being taken advantage of because my default mode is openness and vulnerability. It’s how I’m wired. It’s what makes me effective as a coach and leader. But in certain workplace environments, it makes me a target.
The Impossible Balance
I still struggle with the line between opening just enough and opening too much.
How do you build genuine relationships without being vulnerable? How do you create trust without sharing your real thoughts? How do you stay authentic while protecting yourself from people who will weaponize that authenticity?
The answer, I’m learning, isn’t to stop being open. It’s to be more strategic about who gets access to that openness… and when.
I’ve been actively working on five strategies that might help if you’re struggling with the same pattern:
5 Strategies for Professional Boundaries
1. Use the 24-Hour Rule Before Sharing Frustrations
When you’re frustrated about something at work, wait 24 hours before sharing it with a colleague. This cooling-off period helps you determine:
Is this something I genuinely need input on, or am I just venting?
Am I sharing this to solve a problem or to feel validated?
Could this information be used against me if it got back to the wrong person?
If, after 24 hours, you still need to discuss it, you’ll do so with more clarity and less emotion. And sometimes you’ll realize you don’t need to share it at all.
Action: Next time you want to vent about work, text yourself instead. Write out everything you’re feeling. Then wait until the next day to decide if you actually need to say it out loud to someone.
2. Create Relationship Tiers (And Respect Them)
Not every colleague deserves the same level of access to your thoughts and feelings. Consciously categorize your work relationships:
Tier 1 - True Friends (0-2 people max): People you’d maintain a relationship with outside of work. People who have proven trustworthy over time. Share personal struggles, career frustrations, and honest opinions about work dynamics.
Tier 2 - Trusted Colleagues: People you respect and work well with. Share work-related challenges and collaborate on solutions, but keep it professional. The conversation ends when the workday ends.
Tier 3 - Everyone Else: Pleasant, cooperative, strictly business. Weather, sports, weekend plans. No opinions about work dynamics, leadership, or other colleagues.
Action: Right now, mentally categorize your current colleagues. Be honest about who’s actually earned Tier 1 status (it should be almost no one). Adjust your sharing accordingly.
3. The “Would I Say This in a Meeting?” Test
Before sharing an opinion or frustration with a colleague, ask yourself: “Would I be comfortable saying this in a meeting with leadership present?”
If the answer is no, you’re about to share something that could be used against you. Either don’t share it, or significantly soften how you express it.
This doesn’t mean you can’t have honest conversations about workplace issues. It means being strategic about how you frame them and who you trust with your unfiltered thoughts.
Action: Practice reframing complaints as questions or observations. Instead of “This new policy is idiotic,” try “I’m curious about the reasoning behind this change. What problem is it solving?”
4. Watch for Patterns, Not Just Moments
Don’t judge trustworthiness based on how someone makes you feel in the moment. People who will eventually burn you are often great at making you feel heard and understood initially. That’s how they get information.
Instead, watch patterns over time:
Do they gossip about others to you? (They’ll gossip about you to others)
Do they frequently mention “what someone else said”? (They’re likely sharing what you say, too)
Do they position themselves as neutral while encouraging you to share strong opinions? (They’re collecting information)
Have they ever thrown someone else under the bus to protect themselves? (You’ll be next)
Action: When you’re tempted to open up to someone new, pause and review their patterns first. Give trust slowly and incrementally, not all at once.
5. Find Your Safe Spaces Outside of Work
This is crucial: you still need places to be completely honest and unfiltered. You still need people who understand your work challenges. But those people shouldn’t be your coworkers in most cases.
Find:
A mentor or coach outside your organization
Professional peer groups (the Marine Corps League is one that I personally use)
Friends in completely different industries
A therapist, if needed
Your spouse/partner (though try to be mindful of how much work stress you bring home)
These are your safe spaces to process frustrations, test ideas, and be fully honest without career risk.
Action: Identify at least one person outside your workplace whom you can talk to about work challenges. Schedule regular check-ins with them so you have a pressure valve that doesn’t put your career at risk.
The Hard Truth
Being open and vulnerable is a strength. It’s what allows you to build genuine connections and lead with authenticity. Don’t lose that.
But you need to protect it by being strategic about where and when you deploy it. Not everyone deserves access to your unfiltered thoughts. Not every workplace is safe for radical honesty. And not every colleague who seems friendly is actually a friend.
I’m still working on this. I still catch myself oversharing. I still want to believe that if I’m just authentic enough, people will reciprocate with the same integrity. But experience has taught me that’s not how corporate environments work, especially toxic ones.
The goal isn’t to become closed off or cynical. The goal is to stay authentic while protecting yourself from people who will weaponize that authenticity.
You can be open and strategic. You can be honest and boundaried. You can build genuine relationships while maintaining professional self-protection.
It just takes practice and intentionality… two things I’m still learning.
Your Turn
This week, I want you to do two things:
1. Identify one person at work you’ve been oversharing with. Be honest: Have they earned that level of trust, or are you just hoping they have? Adjust accordingly.
2. Find one person outside your workplace with whom you can process work frustrations safely. Schedule a coffee, a call, or a regular check-in.
Come back and tell me in the comments: What’s your biggest struggle with professional boundaries? How have you been burned by oversharing? What strategies have actually worked for you?
If this resonated, please forward it to someone who struggles with being “too honest” at work. They might need this reminder today.